I Don't Play Multiplayer
The adventures of a singleplayer gamer as he enters the world of multiplayer to try and figure out what all the fuss is about. Multiplayer experience is limited to Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead alone before this series begins.
First Blood: Unreal Tournament
Starting my journey into multiplayer gaming I start with what I have been told is a classic, Unreal Tournament. Playing off the Unreal Anthology DVD I bought for $3 on gogamer.com for the singleplayer titles I load the game up and prepare for the beatings to come.
My first experience is with what you would call a server browser, a strange piece of technology that allows me to pick a game based on short and insane descriptions with words like “FREE KILLS SNIPERS CLAN KIA” and other such things. I have no idea what any of this means but I know I want to avoid team matches in order to keep disappointment and harassment to a minimum from those I am playing with (later google searches tell me this is called “griefing”... the more you know!). I find a tab that says deathmatch and click it, limiting my choices to the world of solitary violence against other lone wolves. What I soon see is that this also limits my choices to about 5 games with anyone in them. I am guessing lone wolf deathmatch is not a highlight of UT, or perhaps the entire multiplayer community.
Mini-golf courses the size of skyscrapers: where the men and the boys are Seperated
Thrown into my first game I get a rude awakening, it is not a game at all but a download screen. As I slowly download a map, a few weapons and a few skins, I realize I have no idea what will pop up. When it does it is a large golf course of some kind with a heavy death metal song playing, the instant aural assault being most unwelcome. No time for rocking out though, we're here to kill people, so let's look around a bit and... DEAD. Oh, ok then, it seems I got a little unlucky there and spawned right in front of someone, so this time we will... DEAD. Hmmm. It's worth noting that every time I die I am treated to the Oscar caliber performance of Al Pacino in Scarface asking me to say hello to his “little friend.” Perhaps that friend is a rocket launcher now, rather than an assault rifle.
I eventually survive for a minute or so and get a chance to look around the map and play with the weapons. I choose the shock rifle as my weapon of choice because I liked it in offline Unreal Tournament 3, my only experience with the series. As I spot a jumping madman in the distance I line-up my shot and fire, but before I even finish the action he teleports 20 feet in a millisecond and I am left with a miss. Soon after I am DEAD again, I think by the same guy I attacked, but honestly it is never clear. I spawn again and decide to use the rocket launcher since everyone else seems to be and DEAD, oh, ok never mind that round, we will use it next one. Oh wait, never mind again, the match is over, my final score a -1 compared to the 25 of the winner. I notice looking at the scoreboard the winner has 25 wins and no one else is above 1. That guy must kick ass!
Something about this map just isn't normal... (censored for your protection!).
So I move on, loading another random game called “Adults Only” and run by “Pornstar.” Perhaps this will be adults only in the sense that mature and older gamers are welcome for a real game with no griefing or cussing... perhaps not. As the world appears around my I am greeted to several images of women in the nude with various... things... in their hands and mouths. Lovely! DEAD. I wonder if this is some kind of distraction tactic, keeping my attention away from the lone homosexual whose map this is and is immune to its distractions. As I keep dying left and right I see the text window is on fire with the word “!Open” over and over, repeating like some kind of automated space beacon. I have no idea what it means but I reply “?Open” to be comical... no one responds. I am DEAD a few more times and again the match ends, this one with a different guy at the top with 25 kills and everyone else under 3 or so. These guys are really good!
The next match I have a rainbow sniper rifle, which is pretty, and Cotton Eye Joe is playing over the match, which is insanity. In this one every death makes a Donald Duck sound which is just precious. The aural assault of these matches cannot be denied, it's lucky I play on headphones or my girlfriend would probably have come over and smacked me in the back of the head. I am DEAD over and over in this one by snipers from the rooftops, but much to my surprise I kill a few dudes with my own rainbow powered justice bringer. Still, it is impossible to hit people with any consistency because of all the teleporting. I wonder if it is lag, but my ping is only 70, so I disregard that thought because from what I know of multiplayer games a low ping means no lag. DEAD anyway though, oh well.
Despite the distraction of that woman looking at me through the window I manage a kill... look at those limbs fly, you would almost think he had more than 4.
At this moment I wonder if people are cheating. I never really experienced it myself but I know there are cheaters in these kinds of games. 25 to 0 over and over? Teleporting? These people might be cheating! My response is to see if there is some sort of official server list that might prevent cheating and I click on “UT Servers” and join a random game. In this one I am flying around a kid's bedroom with no gravity what-so-ever and a blood-stained sniper rifle while some random dance mix is playing. I can't find anyone in this huge area but I do see pop-up messages telling me people are killing and dying on some distant battlefield I cannot find. Eventually someone wins and I get a 0 kills and 0 deaths result. Woo-hoo!
I decide to try the singleplayer portion of the game and load up a deathmatch between me and two AI opponents on a spaceship in warp drive. The music is subtle and appropriate, the enemies move and jump like real opponents rather than teleporting and even with it set on experienced mode I win the match 10 to 0, then 10 to 1 next match, then 15 to 2 on the last one. Every match was fun in that mindless arena game way and I felt a lot more satisfaction here than in any of the online matches I played.
My Rainbow Powered Justice Bringer is surely on the side of the law, but those villains use foul trickery to avoid their destined fate.
So my first multiplayer experience with Unreal Tournament was a bust. Every map had weird mods and tweaks applied which made it more absurd than enjoyable, no immersion at all, and I felt surrounded by insanity. My rainbow powered justice bringer failed me against the teleporting enemies and instant-death weaponry while my ears were assaulted by bad karaoke hits.
Multiplayer 0, Singleplayer 1.
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